EXAM MAFIA VS REPUBLIC OF LEAKS; NEET ASPIRANTS’ SUCCESS RATE RISES BY 13.9% AFTER 12.3% OF KIDS DROPOUT IN VIMANA MASTERSTROKE RETEST

Our Glorious Bharat successfully conducted the All India Medical Entrance Exam NEET 2026 where 1.12 million 12-th grade pass Science stream kids qualified out of 1.9 million total candidates for the June Retest; showing the cockroaches complaining about the silly matter of a few students getting the medical exam question paper a few days in advance that it’s not a big deal, get over it. Sure, maybe the June Retest had 12.3% fewer students having faith in the World’s Largest Democracy’s Medical Doctor Entrance Exam out of the original 2.2 million students who signed up, but Hey! Atleast we could bring in the military to deliver the exams in a Vimana Masterstroke. Our beloved Airforce which was just seen throwing petals over our National Vedic Church, currently going through just a small accounts department error, has now come at the time when Bharat needed them most. Maybe the next place they can throw petals can be over the 12 NEET aspirants who died by suicide across India in the 37-day period between the cancellation of the May 3 Exam and the June 21st retest. Viswaguru and its Medical Gurukuls surely have the best student mental health.

Afterall, we must appreciate motivated young aspiring-doctors who go the extra length to get time to prepare for their medical operation. So what if the Exam Mafia has gotten so smart that we needed to rope in the military for this, what matters is the futures of our Young Bharatians whose interests we old-elite-savarna-men have at heart. Just last week we signed an MOU with ISRO to open up exam centers on the Moon so that we plug the leaks in the National Medical NEET Examination that decides the quality of the guy/girlette at the clinic holding a scalpel above your eye. Our brilliant sanathan boys and girls can become big strong doctors to look after the health of a billion people of Bharat. We already have the blessing of the God of Medicine who we placed on the National Medical Commission logo to give us the divine power to heal the sickness of Bharat and purge the impurity from our sick motherland. 

The Indian military has never before been deployed to handle the logistics and transit security of a civilian academic entrance examination  – completely normal for India ahead of the 100th year birthday of the RSS who is now National Invigilator. Did we really think it was a good idea to let the same guys who poured boiling-oil into the years of Avarnas for reading to now be allowed to run written exams.

Viswaguru Bharat has once more proved more powerful than the anti-nationals crying about “fairness” and “having a leak-proof exam that 2ish million kids write”. If these Leftist Lutyans Khan Market Sickular Jihadi Urban Naxal Maoist Cockroaches get their way, we’ll all be forced to “make education more accessible” and “decentralise academic testing institutions while allowing for more federal state control to balance young folks attempting medical entrances with a 5000-year-old Way of Life”. Thank Bhagwan, we have the media by our side so they don’t blow it out of proportion like those guys at Scroll, News Minute and Quint. Anyways NDTV has been handled, we’ll watch what happens to the rest. 

So anyways about all you young students writing government exams to prove that you’ve put enough effort to feed your family, do not worry. We have it covered. Next month, we are unveiling a new temple that we found under the Taj Mahal and will dedicate it to Shikari Shambu, the God of Life-Changing Exams. One rupee donated will equal 0.000001 marks in your NEET Exams. No you cannot ask us to open our accounts ledgers, it’s completely legit just like the RSS’s company registration certificate and the degree in Entire Political Science by our Supreme Commander. 

The next NEET exam will go smoothly. We’ve decided that we’ll have them at our prison jails. They’re the most secure, disciplined and punctual arm of the state machinery. Maybe we’ll put a few of those Muslim PhD Scholars as invigilators for a few hours. It’s not like they’re gonna get bail as long as we are in power in Uttar Pradesh. No leaks next time, we promise. If there is, we will surely hold those accountable and remove them as our Education Minister and dump them in the Rajya Sabha. They’ll get to frolic with our retired Supreme Court judges there then. The next time we rope in the military and reduce strategic forces to become delivery drivers for the nation’s entrance exams, we should also keep a look out for China and Pakistan’s advances in the Northern and Western Commands. We must especially be alert during NEET and JEE MAINS when our helicopters will be most occupied so we must look out if our adversaries take cognisance of our stretched defence assets being used for civilian logistics.  

Bharat went on a war-footing to make the Indian Air Force deploy military cargo planes and Mi-17 helicopters to airlift papers across 18 regional distribution hubs across the country while the Experts who set the new new question paper were taken to an undisclosed, secure location and placed under strict isolation tripped of their mobile phones, smartwatches, and internet access until the exam concluded.

 

We sure are a disciplined lot. Not only plugging physical leaks but also leaks in cyberspace. Instead of doing the gruelling work of digital forensics and tracking down internet users distributing leaked question papers and bringing down the whole cyber-apparatus; we just went the easy way and had the Ministry of Electronics and Information Technology (MeitY) invoke Section 69A of the IT Act to temporarily restrict access to the Telegram app across all of India until June 22 while also forcing Telegram to disable its message-editing feature in India until June 30, all to stop the circulation of leak rumors and cheating networks. It’s not like people use WhatsApp, Bluetooth or Google Drive to share PDFs anyways. We are so glad that Digital India is so robust to use the the IT act to casually switched off an entire digital platform used by 150 million ordinary Indians, including the lakhs of honest NEET-UG candidates who relied on Telegram groups for study materials and doubt-clearing right before their re-exams, just like our visionary British Colonial Leaders who used (non-digital) curfews over millions to manage the restless masses of India. Who cares about the the Supreme Court’s Shreya Singhal v. Union of India judgment that allowed Section 69A to function only with narrow tailoring and procedural safeguards and not total platform blocks. Everyone knows that the software coder dude in San Francisco testing an app-feature like message-editing or usernames must first get the permission of an Indian uncle who can’t navigate his own phone even if the font size was set at 300%. To properly conduct NEET or any National Exam, the Bharatian Ministry of Education has full authority to keep MeitY Blocking Directives to apps like Telegram confidential even if the Supreme Court recognised the freedom of internet speech and expression are protected fundamental rights under Article 19 of the Indian Constitution and that the indefinite suspension of telecom and internet services in Kashmir (Heaven on Earth) was illegal and unconstitutional.

 Since when did Bharat have to start taking orders from a constitution copied from the west in a language that the Education Ministry is itself calling “non-native” and “foreign” to India. 

While our IT Ministry was busy handing out app-blocking directives to politely ask the Exam Mafia to pause operations, our Dear Reliance Ambani was accused by Telegram CEO for used a technique called BGP (Border Gateway Protocol) hijacking to disrupt access for millions of users outside of India, including in the UAE. It is a pure coincidence that Reliance allegedly cut access to Telegram servers even beyond India to execute an international cyber-attack while Meta-Zuckerberg, who owns WhatsApp – Telegram’s biggest rival in India – invested a massive $5.7 billion in Reliance’s digital business (Jio Platforms). Why just ruin the lives of 2.4 million Indian teenagers writing a Medical Entrance exam when you can also use it as a pretext to make internet deals with Silicon Valley dudebros and tap into the largest internet market in the world. 

Finally on the day of the exam, Bharat deployed nearly half a million (500,000) security personnel, including CRPF and CISF escorts, to guard strong rooms and exam centers while exam centers were upgraded with AI-enabled CCTV networks, facial verification, and mandatory Aadhaar-based biometric authentication for all students. Even though our Dear Prime Minister had landed at Delhi airport from Kolkata at 1:15 PM on Sunday, June 21 while the NEET Re-test was scheduled to start at 2:00 PM, with gates closing at 1:30 PM; His Majesty, having returned from the glorious triumph in the recent Bengal elections, gratuitously instead of driving back to his residence at Lok Kalyan Marg, waited in the VIP lounge for 45 minutes so that his Emperor’s Chariot Security Convoy wouldn’t cause traffic jams for students rushing to the exam centers. This merciful gesture by our Supreme Commander was praised by our Very Independent Media as a “gesture” of “putting students first” and “reflecting compassion for exam aspirants”. Who knew the bar was as high as not causing traffic jams for students writing an exam that your own administration couldn’t keep from circulating through PDFs. 

The patient 45-minute meditation our Honorable Messiah Minister took at the airport VIP lounge might have been spent thinking of the tiny 5.45% of the students who actually took the June re-test and will secure an MBBS seat while 11 candidates compete for a single MBBS slot. Ofcourse, Our Dear Prime Minister actually did a masterstroke and elevated their chances of getting a seat since out of the 2.27 million (2,279,743) initially registered candidates, only 1.99 million (1,999,895) appeared for the June re-test while 0.28  million (279,848) did not, resulting in 1.12 million (1,121,000) candidates competing for just 0.1 million (109,000) available MBBS seats. Now with 12.3% fewer candidates writing the re-test than initially registered, that means this Glorious Administration has exponentially increased the chances of a NEET aspirant to get a seat by 13.99%! And all it took were Air Force helicopters! Maybe next time we do a couple of more re-tests in the same year to narrow down the number of candidates writing the exam and show the increase in placements instead of going through the hassle of building new medical colleges. 

So, yes we have finally managed to handle the NEET Exams. Please give us some time to also fix the Maharashtra Teacher Eligibility Test (TET) paper scheduled for June 28,2026 to be written by 6,00,000 teachers, which we postponed because employees of an Agra Press printing the question papers smuggled them out in their shoes for Rs. 8000 or $83. Hindi, Marathi, Mathematics and Social Science papers for the Maharashtra Teacher Eligibility Test (TET) could also be bought off an interstate gang (headquartered in Bihar) for ₹1.5 Crore (₹1,50,00,000 / $155,786).

Also please avert your eyes from the UGC-NET Exam on June 30th where a 100-page Sociology paper PdF got leaked and distributed by inter-state exam mafia networks across Bihar, Uttar Pradesh, Haryana, Rajasthan, and Delhi sold for between ₹2.25 Lakh and ₹2.5 Lakh with candidates cramming the leaked material overnight/ The same mafia network explicitly offered to leak question papers for upcoming high-stakes exams, including CSIR-NET, the Haryana Teacher Eligibility Test (HTET), and the Assistant District Attorney (ADA) exams. 

Marx is rolling in his grave probably as the Asiatic Mode of Production sees the UGC-NET Sociology entrance paper being sold to the highest bidder in the land of Buddha currently occupied by Ram where you have wealthy, dominant-caste students using accumulated capital to bypass the merit system, securing a seat to write a PhD thesis on the struggles of the marginalized. Who cares about the Frankfurt school or the Freudians when we have a Brahmanical state commodifying the very subject entrance paper pedagogically dissecting class oppression and then selling it to the opportunity-starved Savarna Bourgeoisie. Now that’s praxis!

By buying their way into PhD programs and academic institutions, the Savarna Bourgeois and their kids who can afford a 2.5 lakh PdF can seize the modern “means of production” of academic credentials and institutional power, ensuring the caste-based division of labor remains permanently intact. The Oriental Despot no longer needs to control the village irrigation canals; it just needs access to the NTA servers,  extracting millions from Bahujan marginalized masses in application fees, only to ensure the most valuable surplus, a 100-page Sociology PDF, is safely auctioned off to the Savarna elite for Rs 2.25 lakh. It is the perfect system: the oppressed fund the testing machinery, and the privileged buy the cheat codes to study them. 

As the Republic of Leaks becomes the World’s Largest Sinkhole for career opportunities in a system increasingly slated to favour a miniscule feudal minority, we must actually commend Bharat on democratising knowledge by disseminating early papers and allowing PdFs to circulate across Digital India after being smuggled in a shoe. The only solution is to Nationalise the Exam Mafia, collect the “bribes for leaked question papers” as “additional application fees”. That will not only provide an additional income to our cash-strapped NTA but will also fund the ability to own their own squad of Military Helicopters to become delivery agents for the next NEET exam happening on the Moon.

Prepare well, dear students of Bharat.